GARDEN STATE

SAM-  So here we are.  It's nothing fancy, but you know.  What?
ANDREW- Uh, it's...Titembay, right?
SAM- Yeah, it's weird huh?  You're like, so freaked out right now.  You're like running for the door.  It's ok.  You can go.  Don't feel bad. It's really-
ANDREW-Stop doing that.
SAM-What?
ANDREW-The whole thing you just did.  I wanna be here,  If I didn't, I wouldn't be.  Trust me, my family is way more fucked up than yours, ok?
SAM- Ok.
ANDREW-So, Titembay.
SAM- Yeah, he's my brother.
ANDREW-Is he adopted, or...
SAM- Kind of.  My mom adopted him from Sally Struthers like years ago.  One of those "For the cost of a cup of coffee a day" sort of things.  Where she's like "How can you just sit there and not help the children?"  You know?  And we couldn't.  We just couldn't sit there and not help the children.  So we start sending him like pictures and letters and stuff for years, but then I got really into ice-skating, so we sort of forgot about him.  Then one day we get this phone call and it's Titembay.  And he's at the dry cleaners around the corner.  And he's like, "I'm at Rutgers.  I live in the dorms, but I'm used to living with my tribe so I'd rather live with a family."  And he's been living with us ever since.
ANDREW-Wow.
SAM- Yeah.  I know.  He's the most amazing guy.  You gotta hear some of his stories.  He struggled through so much because he wanted to learn.  When I think of what he's accomplished, I just feel, like, lazy.  You know?  I mean he's studying criminal justice at Rutgers, and when he was a baby he was one of those kids with, like, the flies all over his face.
ANDREW-Wow. I mean it's a crazy story.
SAM- Yeah I know. I mean, that's a true story.  I am not that good.   This is Tickle.  
ANDREW-What is Tickle?
SAM- Tickle's my favorite thing in the whole world.  It's all that's left of Nanny, my blanket.  
ANDREW-Tickle's all that remains.
SAM_ Mm-hmm.
ANDREW-Was there like a hurricane or something?
SAM- Shut up.  No I mean, I've had this since I was a baby.  It's what they brought me home in from the hospital.  
ANDREW-It's like the Wailing Wall.
SAM- What?
ANDREW-Um, the Wailing Wall is like this, uh, it's like the most holy place for Jews to go and pray in Israel.  It's all that's left of this enormous temple that was destroyed by the Romans.  
SAM- So you're like really Jewish.
ANDREW-What?
SAM- You are, aren't you?    You are!
ANDREW-No, I'm not.  I'm Jewish but I'm not really Jewish.  I don't do anything Jewish.  I don't go to temple or anything.  But I don't know any Jews that go to temple.  The Jews I know, they go on one day.  It's Yom Kippur, the Day of Repentance.
SAM- Ok.  
ANDREW-Did you know that most temples are built with moveable walls so that on the one day of the year when everyone comes to repent they can actually make the room big enough to hold everyone?  
SAM-  I don't really believe in God.  
ANDREW-Just Tickle.
SAM-Oh, I believe in Tickle.  We're not going to make out or anything.
ANDREW-What?
SAM- I'm sorry.  I just totally ruined that moment, didn't I?
ANDREW-No no.
SAM- It's just that we're gonna make out, ok?  
ANDREW-Oh, no, I hadn't planned on trying...
SAM- Oh my, I am so lame.  That was like really, I am, I'm sorry.  Forget I just said that.  I am, that was dumb.  And, you know what I do when I feel completely unoriginal?
ANDREW-What?
SAM-- La blah blah blah blah la la.  I make a noise or I do something that no one has ever done before.  And then I can feel unique again even if it's only for like a second.  
ANDREW-So, no one's ever done that?
SAM-No, not in this spot.  No.  You just witnessed a completely original moment in human history.  It's refreshing.  You should try it.
ANDREW-Oh, no. Thanks.  
SAM- No, come on.
ANDREW-I think that was good enough for both of us.
SAM- Come on.  What are you, shy?  This is your one opportunity to do something that no one has done before and that no one will copy again throughout human existence.  And if nothing else, you'll be remembered as the one guy who ever did this.  This one thing.
ANDREW- Uh..[makes noise and gesture].  How's that?
SAM- Oh I've done that one before.  So I gotta go bury this hamster before the dogs eat him. Wanna help?  Hmm?